I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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