Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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