I molested 6 butterflies tonight
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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