On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
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