A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
