i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Randomize
