airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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