The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
