I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
