Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
