No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
