I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I have aggressive nipples.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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