My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
