I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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