dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Randomize
