So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
