i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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