I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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