There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
