You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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