Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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