Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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