Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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