I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
