Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
