thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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