Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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