I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
