I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
