Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
