Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Randomize
