remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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