While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
