I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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