Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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