Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Randomize
