mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
