There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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