I faked an abortion last night.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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