five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
