I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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