Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
