I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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