I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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