Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
