My balls are so social today.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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