He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
