I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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