just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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