I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
