Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
