i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
